Saturday, 14 November 2015

The best erotic magnolia whorehouse in Glasgow

The title for this poem was inspired by a film starring Dame Judi Dench, Celia Imrie, and Bill Nighy. The film is called The best exotic marigold hotel [in India].

However, the body of this poem is, in a way, a found poem, inspired by the late, great Hector Nicol, to whom eternal credit must be given for the jokes and one-liners I've used in this dirty wee ditty.

I've performed this at Scribal Gathering, Ouse Muse, and at the inaugural Bedslam, in The Place Theatre, Bedford. I hope you like the wee video.

The best erotic magnolia whorehouse in Glasgow


There's one wee house near Sauchiehall
that's known both far and wide;
a place where men find women dear,
where men go for the ride.

What better place tae have a ball,
tae please men with yon ache.
For horizontal refreshment,
it's open late – for fuck's sake!

Surmise, it's one weel-kent whorehouse.
Whit's that? Ye may well spier.
It's a brothel wi' a bad name, son,
but please don't shed a tear.

Oor Wullie's opened up last year,
ye ken, it's naething fancy,
it's just the wife and Maw-in-law
and sometimes, auntie Nancy.

I went there once – with Clementine.
She offered up her honour
and so it went on all night long –
the honouring of her offer.

She asked me 'bout the Gorgi way.
Here's what I had to say –
the Gorgi way is special, Hen;
it's when YOU have to pay.

One bargain's priced ten poun' an inch.
Oh jings! Boab gave a shout,
that cost me just a tenner, ken –
I paid on the way out.

Oor Wullie's closed down now I hear.
It's such a fucking shame.
The girls are a' back on the Broo *
they're nae mair on the game.

* It's 'broo' or 'burroo' - a colloquial usage derived from [un]Employment Bureau (note that 'dole' - the equivalent in English - stems from 'doled out').

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